I sat down to write you a letter. It was supposed to be about how nobody understands why I want to continue to fight for you – and us – and how nobody can identify with our situation as hard as they might try. People think that they know what they would do, but they just cant unless they are walking in our shoes and have experienced our life together. These past fifteen years, you’ve been the only one with whom I’ve been able to share my hopes, my dreams, my sorrow and passion. Its still that way. Rather than complain about how others see the two of us, I’m going to write this letter to you. And so I write to you in the fashion our college love letters formed - stream of consciousness - and hope it brings back some good memories of our young love.
I was driving to work with the girls yesterday and saw a vision of your face across my windshield. It was the weirdest thing. You were throwing your head back and laughing. Confident, happy and caught in the moment. I remember that moment. You were walking out of the closet signing a song at the top of your lungs unaware that I was watching. When I caught you singing, you simply threw your head back giggled and kept on singing. That’s how I always imagined the rest of our lives together – laughing – teasing –snuggling – parenting – loving – perhaps boring but always happy. Everyday I wake up I’m afraid it might never be that way again. But Bean after the worst year of our collective lives, which has left me intensely lonely, sad, depressed and utterly exhausted –there is absolutely no question of quitting. As bad as this is for me, I know this must be even tougher on you. Sweetie, you always told me that you loved that I was “so unafraid to say what was right and would never deceive you.” Know this now, I will always come for you, I will always wait for you, I will always love you. I know you hear the doctors say that you have little chance to make a significant recovery. Sweetie, you are a pill baby what chance was there for you then. You’ve always beat the odds, undertaken the hard fight and worked your tail off in the process. There is nobody in this world I’m prouder of than Samie and Rachie’s mother. I know you’d be embarrassed by the support from the community our friends and even your family, but accept it this time. Let us back in; you need our help. The girls and I need you back, but don’t worry - while we wait for your return our family is going to do the best we can with our two girls. Bee, they are so sad for you, so proud of you and try so hard to keep it all bottled inside so as not to “make Daddy sad.” People think they don’t quite understand. One thing I’ve learned is that they get it better than most adults. They watch everything Bean. They learn about responsibility, caring, loss, effort, sadness, and love. Your effort makes them proud and they talk about “Mommy trying” and their favorite memories of you every day. Bean, we need you home, we need you back. DON’T YOU EVER GIVE UP and think life is better for us without you. When we said our wedding vows and promised “to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, always” you promised too. Always means now, and God willing afterwards too. Keep fighting. I need you more than I ever could have thought. I’ll always be there for you. Make me the same promise. I love you.
As you wish,
P.S. Music always meant so much to you. So lets start the new year with two songs. You always set goals for yourself. The first song is about waking from a coma. Sweetie, just put one foot in front of the other and keep working hard. Your capacity to work always astounded me. Just one step at a time, “I Dare You to Move.” You know the second one, you used to sing it to me. This time its for you.
P.P.S. The girls are back from the birthday party and had a great time. I think they need a little tickle monster time. You’ll be back home soon to witness some of that.